I know it has now been over 2 months since I updated. I really should have sooner but there has been such a lot going on.
January was taken up by me ending my employment and career as a teacher. It was a very difficult decision but I have to admit that I cannot hold down that job any longer and to look after myself I need to find a job that is more manageable. Teaching hours are long, the job is physical and the needs of yourself go our the window when you are responsible for children. I tried everything and anything to make it double, but it just isn't. So as of the end of January, I am now unemployed.
This feels very weird. I feel guilty, but it is my own guilt. I know it is for the best and my health will hopefully have less bad days without the stress and tiredness but it is the first time ever that I have not havd a job or a plan.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks into February I set about launching a small cake business. I have been making cakes for many years and feel that this way I might be able to control my work and when I do it. I can choose to take on an order or not. I can work when I feel well enough to. My thoughts were that if I took a job working for someone, I would again be at the mercy of a timetable and my pain doesn't work like that. It comes on strong when it wants to. Working for myself seems a good start. I at least don't feel like I don't have a plan and that I am achieving nothing. The guilt has gone, even though all I am doing is creating a social media buzz and trying to get out to people.
Recently I had a week of really bad pain. I got a little cold and this always knocks my pain up about ten notches. I had to ride it out, as I still don't have a program on my stimulator that helps me control or lower it once it has started.
So not having work hasn't really changed the frequency of the bad pain but I do feel a weight has been lifted. I can't let people down so much and I don't have a huge sense of responsibility to the children and the rest of the staff. I don't have anything to prove. The stress is dramatically less and I ave space in the brain for other things.
I really feel like myself again, but the new version.