Friday, 6 December 2013

Not looking good :( it's been almost the same amount of time with higher pain levels than I had almost pain free, following my last procedure! 
I had 2 weeks and 2 days with mostly pain level of 2 or 3 but since then it is between level 4 - 6 daily. That is basically the same as it was before the operation on 8th November. 

How can the same procedure only give me such a short time, when before I got 3 months benefit!!? 

I am not really looking forward to seeing my consultant next Friday, for my follow up appointment. I know he will understand and begin to think where we go next, but it's such a shame that it just hasn't worked the same. He held this procedure up as being a bit of hope for me, and for others, as I know he is recommending it to others in the same boat.
I know it's no one's fault but I just want to get this sorted. Others really don't get that this is unpredictable! No one can guess when I will be in pain again it whether a procedure will work for a set amount of time. No one can even tell if the stimulator we are fighting to get approved and funded will even work for me! 

I find it so difficult to get my head round this!
I either seem to bury my head in the sand and think I can still do everything I always did and that my future can still be planned the way I always thought it would be .....or, I get a sudden realisation that I can't move forward, nothing is the same and people don't seem to understand that it is actually depressing.
If I felt this way more often, I wouldn't be able to continue. It's better that I am slightly in denial and believe I can be the person I was always meant to be! I don't need to change my job, or go part time! I don't need to stop doing the things I enjoy! 

But who knows what my future holds!!?
For now, I will take each day as it comes. Not think about my future changing but strive to keep my life as normal as possible and the same as it always has been.