Trying to hold on!

So the same old things continue.

I think the pain I am experiencing in my abdomen is happening more often, yet is very sporadic. I can't make it hurt but it seems to happen most days. Sometimes the stunning pain has literally taken my breath away and often shocks me. Atother  times it constantly feels uncomfortable, almost like a minor stitch feels. 

I am pretty sure it is related my build up of muscle. If it is, it's the transversus abdominus muscle, which is more or less the love handle muscle that meets the six pack area of the central abdominal area. I  can feel that this muscle is very strong and can push behind the battery easily. If I feel the opposite sides muscle, it is used constantly for walking, moving, bending...everything! Therefore it makes sense that is happens so often and also matches with the strength I have gained. I believe that if the battery hadn't moved back in February, then maybe this wouldn't have happened, as I bet that it is in the slightly wrong place.

My head pain has been awful for the past couple of weeks. Everyday has been higher pain levels and I wake up knowing that the pain is there, when mostly I can wake and not realise until I am up and on my feet.

I am using my stim programs a lot, despite the fact that they aren't helping much. I still believe that if I use it when the pain is unbearable (when I don't know what to do with myself) then I am distracted enough for it to calm to a more manageable pain level, although this is still high.

My anxiety and stress levels are still pretty high. I am always on the moderate to severe level on the questionnaire. I believe it is very much work related that has just impacted on my everyday life too. 

To add to this stress, I had an email last Thursday from my Head to say that my role would now change to PPA cover. This was only following an email to say about the new pain I was experiencing and that I was going to stay off work until I saw my consultant at the end of the month. In total, I would be off for 8 weeks! I wasn't consulted about this at all and it turns out that people, including the children and parents, found out before even I did. And it wasn't made clear that this change was for the rest of the academic year, meaning I won't get my class back! Ever!! 

I am obviously devastated about this, even though it may seem this is the best thing for the class. It would have helped to be told personally, even if I couldn't have changed the decision. 

I feel like I am being pushed out of my job! This, of course, is a massive stress to add to how I already felt.

The issues seem overwhelming.

I am now attending a 6 week course on managing long term health conditions the wellbeing services thy are supporting me with my mental health issues. This may help me see things in a different way. I would like to think that I will be able to se work as 'work' not a reflection of me, my intelligence, my achievement, my life or who I am!

I need to find a way to manage my feeling about all of this. It has made me an angry person! A person who sees the worst constantly and is in a constant battle.

My health can't change if I don't make a change. I don't know quite what that is but I've got to do something.

Currently I can't think of that plan until i know the plan to help my ON and added issues from the surgery a year ago. I see my consultant on 27th January, so 8 guess my fate is awaiting that response.

One supportive thing that I have managed to track down in my GP. Although she can't help with my new issues and states that honestly but empathetically. She always understands my problems and listens to them. She cares. And I know that whatever i need from her, that is in her control, I will get and I appreciate that massively.

Lost my way!

Over the past few months I have beaten myself up about "not being me", knowing that I don't appear to cope with things the same way as usual. 

I seem to get really annoyed and angered by things easily. This can be because of change (which I hate at the best of times), people, choices, planning or organising things. I even seem to be running my life by time limits in which I should have finished or completed something, even simple things like shopping.

Recently this has culminated in me having crying melt downs, often before work in the morning. And just to make it clear, I am not normally that type of person. 

Anyway, after much support from friends who insisted I saw my GP, the appointment I made weeks ago finally came round. 

I didn't know how I would explain or how it would come out, but it seems I rabbited on about everything and got very emotional.

This was the GP I had sought out to be understanding and supportive ....and she was! 

She believes I am suffering stress and anxiety, which is also making my OCD worse too. She agreed with me that it seems to be since returning to work after the operation, back in February/March time. She also said that anxiety often comes alongside chronic pain, that's it's not uncommon. 

I have been referred to the pain clinic, in the hope that CBT may help me get myself back again. 

For me, now I've thought about it, this has been going on a long time. I fight it, and have been a lot, but really I know that's not the normal me. I think that it's because I feel I haven't got that hope to fight for/wish for/wait for, as I have had the operation, the permanent stimulator, that was my best hope! I always had something, in the future, that I was waiting for, whether that was a nerve block, PRF or the stim. I always had the next plan. I just had to be patient. I just had to make it to then.

Now, I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what I am holding on for. I don't know what is going to happen anymore. 

So therefore, I am lost!!!!